Angst and Homoeroticism

I spent a thoroughly pleasant afternoon yesterday lunching with my friend Nick. We met up at Uni and grabbed a coffee before heading down into Clayton to try and find the great little Malaysian restaurant I used to haunt in first year. It was great to see him, although I think the best piece of advice I gave him was “you should read Etgar Keret’s stuff!”, which is fine as far as literature recommendations go but not so good as far as relationship advice is concerned.

I’m feeling distinctly unenthusiastic about heading back to Uni for my fourth (well, technically third-and-a-half) year as an undergraduate. It’s not that I’m all excited about getting out into the Real World (HAHAHAHAH oh the very thought!), it’s just that I’ve started to feel like I’m banging my head against a wall again and again, and getting marked on how well I do so. I’m hoping I’ll feel less like this once I actually start. If not, well, I’d rather not go on Essay Autopilot but hell, I’ve done it before. For all of my second year, actually.

I think this lack of enthusiasm partly stems from a wider apathy I seem to be going through at the moment. I think I’m having a second adolescence, only this time I can drive and buy my own porn (undecided as to whether those things make it better or worse than the first time around).

Plus I’ve been having these really awful, fucked-up sexual dreams, about people defending their right to molest young girls, and about being pimped and all that. The night before last was the first time in ages that I haven’t had a gross sexual dream, and I think that’s because the scary thing came while I was awake, when partway through an intimate moment I suddenly realised that my boyfriend looks a lot like Scarlett Johansson.

What’s been cheering me up has been revisiting some of my favourite books from my past. Earlier this week I re-read Pagan’s Crusade by Catherine Jinks, one of my favourite books when I was in my teens. It’s still a really good book, and proves an unfortunate (for her) aspect of Jinks’ talent: she writes absolutely amazing novels for teenagers, but her books aimed at adults tend to be rather lacklustre and lack the pace, observation and incidental humour of her books for teenagers.

I wasn’t quite as enraptured with Pagan as I was when I was 13, but by the same token I read the damn thing, and the other three books in the series, about 20 times each over the course of my early-to-mid teens, so you have to admire the book’s staying power. It’s set in Jerusalem during the Crusades and centres on the relationship between Pagan, an orphan who joins the Templars as a squire purely to avoid being murdered by the underworld denizens for the money he owes them, and Lord Roland, the Templar knight to whom he is assigned. It’s a really interesting and often very funny piece of historical fiction, and there’s a lot I didn’t pick up on when reading it as a teenager, mostly concerning the relationship between the two main characters. Holy homoerotic undertones, Batman! It’s all falling to knees with tear-filled eyes and “You’re all I have, my Lord!” and shit. It’s great, and I can’t believe I didn’t pick up on it as a depraved and sexually frustrated teenager.

3 Responses to “Angst and Homoeroticism”

  1. Jeff Says:

    Completely unrelated to the content this is attached to :FUCKIN’ A! I like everything you’ve done here. Nice one. Oh and pass on any praise that deserves to be passed on to the boy.

  2. Aimee Says:

    Thanks Jeff! Good to hear from you, buddy. I’ll certainly pass words on to boy-type person. Did you end up getting the card I sent? I hope I wrote the address out right…

  3. KOEN Says:

    Yeah, Jeff’s right — Fuckin’ A, eh. I’m hailing the power of pink as I type.

    Also, now that I know your bf looks like Scarlett Johansson, that threesome dream of mine is even better! Where can I find myself a computer geek who looks like Scarlett Johansson?