Attributes Besides My Arts Degree Which Will Not Aid in Furthering My Career

It’s that time of year again, where I get so stressed out about Uni (and the fact that I am STILL AT UNI, no matter how much I like my course, shouldn’t I be out in the “real world” by now, etc etc etc), and start looking for gainful employment. This tends to happen at the end of every semester when I have a wee crisis of faith, and anytime I start feeling poor (ie, all the time, and especially now), or realise that for the next fortnight I can pay my overdue bills or eat but not both. It’s hard to remember that one day this will all be over when you’re standing in the supermarket making what my friend Shannon calls the Toilet Paper vs. Tampons Decision. Apparently, I can look all I like, but gainful employment is going to keep hiding and chuckling to itself every time I storm past its hiding spot in a frustrated manner. No can do. So, in honour of my own frustration, and in recognition of the fact that a first-class Honours degree, relevant experience, a solid volunteer history and an internship will apparently get you nowhere (at least when you’re me – ooh, bitter), and in the interests of propping up my floundering self-esteem, I hereby present a list of the attributes that generally don’t make the CV cut:

  • I have worked hard to rise above my humble beginnings in life and to reject the path seemingly set out for me. As a young woman born in Moe in the early 1980s, avoiding this path has largely involved: not getting pregnant while still legally a child, not owning mocassins, leaving the house in something besides tracksuit pants, fending off the advances of identical guys named Robbo/Stevo/Greg Domasewicz, not getting involved in too many punchups or knife fights, and not throwing pig heads through anyone’s windows. I have also avoided the lure of intimate relations with family members. All this has been quite a struggle, as I’m sure you can imagine. Particularly if you’ve ever met any of my uncles. Phwoar.
  • I love language, and am always keen to expand upon my creative use of it. Referees to back up this claim: anyone who’s ever been in my car with me when someone cuts me off.
  • Can make my boobies applaud and do sundry other tricks. (Okay, so this skill would probably further certain career options, but only for careers for which my current BMI disqualifies me, so it’s not really helping me out at all.)
  • Most of my paid work experience has been in various forms of adult retail. You’d be surprised how often this doesn’t impress children’s book publishers.
  • Good at insulting people without them realising it.
  • Have learned to get along with just about anybody in a workplace environment, no matter how difficult or stupid they may be, through the use of creative visualisation (also known as “plotting their bloody demise”).
  • Firm believer in the philosophy that there’s a Futurama quote for every occasion.
  • Devout Pastafarian. Being touched by the Flying Spaghetti Monster’s noodly appendage changed my life.
  • Working on making what is actually social awkwardness appear to be charming eccentricity. This long-running and time-consuming project is still in its initial stages. I guess I’ll keep plugging away at it.

Maybe if I whistle casually and pretend to ignore it, employment will come sidling up to me in the form of some job application I’ve already forgotten about. In the meantime, polish yer boots, guvnor?

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