I Have Been Far Too Readily Influenced By Pornography

Once upon a time, back in the days before I was a fresh-faced library employee, I was a fresh-faced porn store employee. In addition to giving me a healthy scepticism towards people and their motivations, it also scarred me irrevocably. You see, I have always had what some might call a smutty mind. This was exacerbated somewhat by spending vast amounts of time (or three shifts a week, at any rate) in the presence of pornography.

While it’s been a good year and a half since I quit the porn store job, I still finds it affects my life in little ways. I have trouble not snortling when I hear certain perfectly innocent words, such as “Greek”. My female friends have all given up on telling me anecdotes about their trips to beauty parlours, because the word “facial” turns me into a 14-year-old schoolboy.

I realised the other day that I still suffer from what I like to call Porn Association Syndrome. That’s when you misread or misunderstand something with an invariably pornographic context. A couple of days ago when I was working on the returns, I came across a whole pile of Mills and Boon romances, and starting scanning through them quickly. I didn’t really take any notice of them since I’ve got no interest in romances, but I did glance down as I went to put the pile on the shelving trolley. I was startled to see that one of the books appeared to be called One Night in His Ass, complete with lovey-dovey couple on the front cover. “Wow!” I thought to myself. “Mills and Boon have really changed with the times! Fancy a romance novel where the love interest is into pegging!”

Upon closer inspection, the actual title was revealed to be One Night in His Arms, and I was quite disappointed. Obviously Mills and Boon have decided not to try to corner the deviant sexually progressive market just yet.

Porn Association Syndrome has other disturbing consequences, like when my father asks why I never wear the pearl necklaces he gave me. I try not to contemplate that one too heavily.

4 Responses to “I Have Been Far Too Readily Influenced By Pornography”

  1. Liah Says:

    BAhahaha!!

    I have some body moisturiser with the words “NUT BUTTER” printed on the label. I do not use it.

  2. KOEN Says:

    That reminds me of the time, several years ago, when my mother commented how distraught she was to see the Google results for ‘facial paint’. All she wanted to do was help my little cousins dress up for Halloween – I hope!

    Hmm, I guess thats more a Parents&Porn anecdote than a PAS anecdote.

  3. Anton Says:

    This is a fantastic article, albeit rather short ^_^ Would love to see it fleshed out. Heh.

  4. Aimee Says:

    Liah: Oh dear lord. At least the Body Shop have the sense to put the word “Body” in between those two words! Although that does lead me to ponder why you’re so reluctant to be covered in nut butter anyway. Why not give yourself a nice nut butter facial?

    (All right, this is ridiculous. I have to stop typing “nut butter” now.)

    KOEN: Suuuuuure she was shocked and surprised. It is YOUR mother we’re talking about here, after all.

    “Gross, dude, it’s Koen’s mum!”
    “Shut up, guys!”
    “No, wait…it really IS Koen’s mum!”

    Thanks for the feedback, Anton. I’ll try to flesh things out more in future 🙂