Introducing…the adventures of Hormone Girl!

I’ve not been myself for the past few days. The reason for that being, I’ve been what Kaz Cooke would term Menstrual as Anything. My body seems to have foregone pain this month in favour of an exciting array of hormone-driven emotions such as sadness, inexplicable rage, hopelessness, jealousy, hurt, self-hatred and, perhaps most strangely, a sudden appreciation of the Tori Amos song ‘Northern Lad’, which I’ve always hated (it’s just so insipid. She can do much better).

Rather than spend a few days each month bitching and whining in a thoroughly self-pitying manner, I have decided to create a character who can serve as a conduit through which I air my periodic woes (sorry, that’s the second time I’ve used that pun in the last two days).

Ladies and gentlemen, I’d like you to meet…HORMONE GIRL, the action herione for our times! She’s sharp! She’s sassy! Thanks to fluid retention, she has tits the size of canteloupes!

Of course, I should have a cartoon drawing of her to keep the more graphic-minded kiddies reading, but since every time I draw a stick figure people say “hey, that’s a nice blob”, it ain’t gonna happen. You’ll just have to use your imaginations. At least have the decency to imagine her some clothes.

Recently in the exciting adventures of Hormone Girl, there has been much wailing and gnashing of teeth, for no apparent reason. Yesterday was spent mostly in a bad mood, then later on feeling as though she was ultimately revolting and that no one could love her. Teasing her boyfriend about being an Eastern suburbs boy helped perk her up for a while, but alas! This cheer did not last and soon she was plunging into deeper, uh, depths of self-loathing and despair, brought about solely by her uterus shedding its lining. The night ended with her slumped in a chair in the HorCave (note to self: think up better name for bedroom), piteously whimpering about how nobody loved her. This was quite possibly true, as it was 3:30am and all reasonable, Hormone Girl-loving people were fast asleep.

Today she woke up with less self-loathing and considerably more friskiness, another side effect of her hormone-riddled state, and one we won’t go into because this is a family-oriented blog (and also because the author feels that the number of people reading this who know her in person would probably prefer not to know). She went to the doctor about an unrelated matter, and then rewarded herself for her health consciousness by buying copious quantities of chocolate and baked goods. There have still been several instances of causeless tearfulness, but the chocolate gives Hormone Girl increased superpowers, so she’s doing a little better than she was. There was also consumption of trashy magazine and TV, which apart from further degeneration of brain cells, did no end of good.

Hormone Girl currently feels wimpy and despised, and is looking forward to a further regeneration of her strength through the means of beer and possibly pornography.

Hormone Girl is currently a drastically underdeveloped concept spawned from a pissy mood and a Bad Everything Day, and will hopefully be more entertaining in future episodes, much to the relief of all concerned.

Stay tuned!

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