Post Mortem

Sobriety has clawed its way back into my system, and the Canadian has fled back to Canadia, so I’d best chronicle what I can remember of his time here before it all becomes a hazy, dodgy-photo-chronicled memory. Behold, for your enlightenment and momentary relief of boredom, a handy and not necessarily chronological list of Stuff What Me and My Friends Did While Scott Was Visiting:

1) Scott’s plane is delayed for 13 hours. Except it’s not really, because they put him in a different one. As a result, he gets to see more Australian airports than he could ever have dreamed of, and no one is at the airport to pick him up. He catches a cab to the hotel to be greeted by prematurely drunk Shannon and Aimee. He wears jetlag and our most unladylike affections (read: grabbiness) most graciously.
2) Time to visit Tim, whom I haven’t seen in years and who rocks my socks. Hire big-arse fuck-off four wheel drive because it’s the only car the hire place has left. Being under 25, I am not supposed to drive it, but I do at Scott’s request. He comes to regret this.
3) We stop en route for a drink, which includes my badly-needed first coffee of the day. Shan and Scott witness firsthand the bizarre, Jeckyll-and-Hyde aspects of my relationship with caffeine. My driving improves dramatically.
4) Scott teaches Tim’s eight-year-old son the Shocker; tells him it is the Canadian salute.
5) TOOWOOMBA PUB CRAWL. FUCK YEAH!!!
6) After everyone else passes out (or “goes to sleep”, as they would later claim), Tim takes me to Makeout Point or whatever that hill thing in Toowoomba is called, and we bond over hot chips, anecdotes of various degrees of amusement, and watching people far below get pulled over by the police.
7) Back to Brisbane. River cruise to Lone Pine Koala Sanctuary, where Scott is ill-advisedly allowed to molest native fauna. I get my photo taken cuddling a snake. Feel one step closer to becoming Britney Spears. Make mental note to start going barefoot into petrol station public toilets and having sex with Kevin Federline, then decide do not actually want to be Britney Spears that badly.
8) Shan and I reach point in our relationship, after being friends IRL (as the kiddies say) for several years, where mutual nudity and breast examinations become par for the course. Don’t think this is entirely result of alcohol, although maybe partially. It’s nice to feel comfortable around people, even if it does manifest in Girls Gone Wild sort of way.
9) Drunk.
10) Drunk.
11) Drunk.
12) Fea and Andrew’s lovely but potentially fatal apartment for dinner, then back to hotel for #13.
13) Drunk.
14) Fly back to Melbourne day before Shan and Scott to take Dad to Upfront 11 at the Comedy Festival.
15) Meet Shan and Scott at airport. Shan goes with her grandparents for some quality time, Scott and I hang around airport to await arrival of Bob, another Interwebnet denizen who’s joining us from exotic Mt Gambier.
16) Go to my place to drop off Scott’s stuff. Both housemates are home. Jo is tipsy and Jen is dressed as a pirate. Feels like a very “welcome to my life” moment.
17) Take Scott and Bob to Brunswick St for dinner. Mention that bar I was planning on taking them to has karaoke on Wednesday nights. They say this is okay and feign disinterest at karaoke shenanigans.
18). Until we get to the Laundry. “Feign”, I discover, is the right word. Have my karaoke cherry popped by two guys at once, in form of being dragged onstage to sing “Teenage Dirtbag”.
19) Make my solo karaoke debut; song of choice is NIN’s “Closer”. Discover interesting fact: when Trent Reznor sings “I want to fuck you like an animal”, teenage girls everywhere cream their knickers. When I sing “I want to fuck you like an animal”, people want to tuck me into bed and read me a nice storybook, possibly about animals.
20) Do not realise just how drunk Scott is until I suggest he should sing “I Want Candy”…and he does. Hilariously. Complete with dangling cigarette and wicked cool drunk white boy dance moves.
21) Worst. Hangover. Ever. Bob is fine and chipper when I ring him at ten the next morning; alcohol is wasted on the young(er than me). Shuffle, wanting to die, off to work. Leave Scott lying in my bed, staring at the ceiling and whimpering softly to himself. Insert smutty joke about how usually I put men in that state via entirely different methods. MP3 player decides that a grey, nasty day where I’ve got the One Hangover to Rule Them All is perfect time to play U2’s “Beautiful Day” at me. Not amused.
22) Ferris wheel on the Yarra! More drinking!
23) Horse-and-carriage ride through streets of Melbourne! The Shocker makes a reappearance, as Scott uses it to wave to people on the street, complete with calling out “Hellooooo!” in Monty Python woman voice. Shan, Bob and I pretend not to know him. There may have been more drinking that night, but I can’t honestly remember very well.
24) Barbecue at my house with assortment of Interwebnet people and Stuart, who has finally returned from contract in Canberra. Drunk!
25) Lunch in St Kilda before driving Shan and Scott to airport and Bob to accomodation. Feel suddenly sad and lonely.
26) Drunk! Or maybe not.

That was actually considerably longer than I thought it would be. Ah well, it’s staying in list form. I know there’s a lot of stuff I’ve left out due to fogetting it, but perhaps those who were there could remind me of anything particularly pertinent.

I hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed attempting to remember it.

7 Responses to “Post Mortem”

  1. Scott Says:

    It should be noted that 17-20 are included in the drunk subset.

  2. Aimee Says:

    Oh please, that was obvious. If not explicitly, then from contextual clues.

    You’re so cute when you’re plastered.

  3. adam Says:

    Hey, that sounds like fun. You coming to the emerging writers festival? That might also be fun.

  4. koen Says:

    I think I have start drunking if I’m ever going to visit y’all. I wonder if Tim would talk to me otherwise?

  5. Amber Says:

    Wow, I am from Toowoomba originally – it always gives me a kick (read: heart attack) to see it in print form somewhere other than the Chronicle!
    Mt Kynoch is the makeout spot. My photographer friend took me up there one time and I naively inquired “What are all these cars doing here? Where are the people? Where are the CHAIRS even?”

    No response to that one.
    I worked it out myself.

  6. Amber Says:

    Wow, I am from Toowoomba originally – it always gives me a kick (read: heart attack) to see it in print form somewhere other than the Chronicle!
    Mt Kynoch is the makeout spot. My photographer friend took me up there one time and I naively inquired “What are all these cars doing here? Where are the people? Where are the CHAIRS even?”

    No response to that one.
    I worked it out myself.

  7. Aimee Says:

    Mt Kynoch! Thanks, Amber! I’ve a terrible memory for place names.

    Yeah, I just had a bit of a chortle at the maker-outerers.

    Toowoomba is very pretty. I have to admit, I was kind of surprised. This from someone who grew up near Moe and knows it’s not as bad (in some respects) as it’s cracked up to be. I should know better.

    You probably know Tim! (Because naturally you must know everyone in your town, just like I knew everyone in the places I lived in Gippsland.) I got the feeling from our sojourns around pubs and the market that everyone knows Tim. He’s a man-whore. I love him, but it’s true.