Reasons I Am Going To Hell – in handy list form!

Okay, so I have a lot of stuff to write about, and not a lot of time to write, being in the midst of exams and all. I am also currently a bloated, belligerent PMS monster and should not be allowed near anybody. Thus, in lieu of a proper update, I give you this handy list. Note that while I’ve numbered it, the numbers don’t really represent an ordered list of reasons. I just thought it looked better that way.

1. Sometimes I pretend to be a neo-Nazi for my own entertainment.
2. I have been known to try to convince people I have a “special” relationship with Jesus. Insert jokes about the Second Coming here.
3. I sing Peaches and Nashville Pussy songs to my eight-month-old niece because I can’t remember any nursery rhymes.
4. I make far more retard jokes and do far more retard impersonations than can really be considered appropriate in any context.
5. I also occasionally pretend to be retarded while making out with Stuart (disturbingly, this does nothing to cool his ardour).
6. I wish syphilis on my enemies, and people who push in front of me in queues.
7. I hate most of the people I serve at work on sight, and assume they’re morons. It’s scary how often I’m proven right.
8. When friends ask me what I think about their partners or the state of their romantic relationships, I am honest.
9. Despite being a left-wing feminist I seem to hate most other lefties and feminists that I know. Guess I just can’t play nice with anybody.
10. Because I can’t think of a tenth reason even though I know there’s many, many more.

3 Responses to “Reasons I Am Going To Hell – in handy list form!”

  1. momo Says:

    Ohhh, you’re such a sweetie, Aimee, you may think you’re a badass, but you’re so not!

    However, be very cautious with point 3. I used to sing ‘Lullaby’ by the Cure (in fact, the whole Disintegration album) to my little cousin Melanie when she was a newborn and she’s grown up to be a right-regular spooky kid teenager with the black black stringy hair, heavy make-up and sombre interest in the occult (sort of history repeating itself). At the same time, her elder brothers were singing Ministry songs. I guess it all added up.

  2. Aimee Says:

    Shhh, Momo! People aren’t supposed to realise I’m not a badass! It’s a huge secret! Or something.

    Point taken on the singing of potentially influential songs to little ones. Although as you know, some of the best people grow up to wear too much eye makeup and have a more-than-passing interest in the occult (at least for a while). I guess if my niece follows the same trajectory, she’ll end up dressing in hotpants and leopard print and pink fluffy shit, and have a more than passing interest in promiscuity. And while that may be fine for her aunty (well, one of them anyway), the thought of it happening to her makes my blood run a wee mite cold…

  3. Melissa Says:

    It’s okay, I’m a total asshole and getting worse and worse at hiding it!