“So, a lesbian, a bi chick and a straight dude walk into a strip club…”

Dear Irritating Man From Last Night,

I’m sorry, sonny Jim, but I don’t think you quite understand the concept of the strip club. The idea is that you go there, pay your money, buy a beer, and for a brief fleeting moment of your sorry existence, you get to pretend you’re in a world where you have a chance in hell of scoring with the scantily-clad women therein. Wave some money around and that dream just might become a reality, provided you keep your hands to yourself (or find an even dodgier establishment).

The idea is not to sit cradling your beer and to ignore all the naked flesh in order to check out and chortle over the fully-clothed girls playing pool nearby. No, sorry, it isn’t. Really. And yes, my game of pool is hilariously bad, I am the first to admit that; it’s so bad that I can’t even claim to be playing badly as a ploy to trick stupid people into playing with me for money, and then winning. I think it’ s funny too, and I wouldn’t have minded if you were having a giggle at my mad skillz.

It didn’t seem that you were, however, and let me point this out to you: the clothing-deficient ladies are there for your entertainment, provided you keep paying for them to be (because for one thing, there’s still no base wage for sex entertainment such as stripping or prostitution, grumble grumble union time). The fully-clothed ladies who are drinking and playing pool and talking to their pet straight dude and POINTEDLY IGNORING YOU are not: they are there for their entertainment, and also for the free cigars and finger food they were promised, which never really surfaced. They’re still pissed about that, by the way.

You’re not going to get very far by making nasty, sleazy little comments to your mates that are just almost audible to us, and let us know exactly what you’re saying. I’m not even sure what you’d be attempting to do: we don’t scare easily and we’re not interested in you. My advice is that you just relax, accept that sometimes girls come to strip clubs for other reasons than employment, and that some of them play pool very badly. Also, they’re quite happy with a cue in their hand and some of them read a lot about Vlad Tepes as a teenager and are prone to sudden fits of violent temper, if you catch my drift. Just a word to the wise.

Yours sincerely,

Aimee, the girl with a lot more balls than you

2 Responses to ““So, a lesbian, a bi chick and a straight dude walk into a strip club…””

  1. Tess Says:

    Heh. Hehehehehe. -> Vlad Tepes comment.

  2. Bronwyn Says:

    I’m sorry, darlin’, but I’ve been into many a strip club in my time (often standing near the back with one hand on my long-suffering brow while my older sister and her friends in the front row chant “COCK COCK COCK”) and everybody is fair game! I’m pretty sure I’ve told you my story about how I’d make a really crap prostitute because every guy who walked in the door would be instantly confronted with “Ha ha – you have to pay women for sex! You’re coming to a prostitute!”. When it comes to certain situations, most of them involving sex, all of the normal rules go right out of the window. Or it is possible the guy was from Queensland. On several occasions while visiting that lovely sunkissed state, I have been hooted at wildly from cars for the crime of wearing clothing. Everybody there is naked, the 18yr olds in the car were so bloody excited to see a girl with their clothes on that they nearly ran into a pole! Of course, then there was that awkward moment when the car stopped at the lights, I caught up and crossed the road in front of them …