Top 12 Reasons Against Gay Marriage

Yes, I know everybody’s been posting this, but I’m going to get on the bandwagon anyay. This one’s for someone who’s won a place in the black lump that passes for my heart, and since I didn’t pay him to bow down in front of me today and say “All hail the power of pink!”, I figure I at least owe him something.

1. Homosexuality is not natural, much like eyeglasses, polyester, and birth control are not natural.

2. Heterosexual marriages are valid because they produce children. Infertile couples and old people cannot get legally married because the world needs more children.

3. Obviously gay parents will raise gay children because straight parents only raise straight children.

4. Straight marriage will be less meaningful, since Britney Spears’s 55-hour just-for-fun marriage was meaningful.

5. Heterosexual marriage has been around for a long time, and it hasn’t changed at all: women are property, Blacks can’t marry Whites, and divorce is illegal.

6. Gay marriage should be decided by the people, not the courts, because the majority-elected legislatures, not courts, have historically protected the rights of minorities.

7. Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are always imposed on the entire country. That’s why we only have one religion in America.

8. Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people makes you tall.

9. Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage license.

10. Children can never succeed without both male and female role models at home. That’s why single parents are forbidden to raise children.

11. Gay marriage will change the foundation of society. Heterosexual marriage has been around for a long time, and we could never adapt to new social norms because we haven’t adapted to cars or longer lifespans.

12. Civil unions, providing most of the same benefits as marriage with a different name are better, because a “separate but equal” institution is always constitutional. Separate schools for African-Americans worked just as well as separate marriages will for gays & lesbians.

Liberated from here.

9 Responses to “Top 12 Reasons Against Gay Marriage”

  1. Scott Says:

    Aw, you let me down. That list is just poor argumentation (#6 for example is quite true and not at all ironcially so), and you could have done a much better job yourself.

    Slacker.

  2. Brian Says:

    Having just visited after slacking off a few days (relationship trouble [sigh!]), what do I see but an entry with obtuse references to an acolyte. Could that possibly be moi? I owe you more than you could ever owe me sweetie…acceptance has such a high exchange rate 😉

  3. someone Says:

    i think same sex marriage should be legalized because its their life we shouldnt care. if they love eachother then fine. god why is this such a big deal? ITS THEIR LIFE their decision

  4. Aimee Says:

    Indeed. Precisely the point of that entry.

  5. hailey Says:

    some of these reasons are ridiculous! straight couples don’t produce just straight children. half the gay community has straight parents. these are indeed poor argumentation. i’m very disappointed. acceptance goes a long way.

  6. Aimee Says:

    So does a sense of humour, my dear.

  7. marissa Says:

    you disgust me my father is homosexual and i am not a lesbians. gay marriage should be legal, your top 12 reasons are pathetic you should open up your fucking eyes you twat

  8. Aimee Says:

    Sigh. I would assume you were, in fact, not “a lesbians” anyway. I also think you need a sarcasm detector injection. Or possibly just some reading skills.

    It amazes me how many negative comments I’ve gotten for posting this. I wonder if other people who posted this piece (which I think I received as an email forward? Can’t quite remember) have had the same reaction from people whose hearts are in the right place but whose brains, unfortunately, are not.

    Do people google for this? Because it’s pretty obvious they haven’t read any of the rest of my site. Like, you know, the bits where I talk about THE FACT THAT I AM QUEER.

    Sheesh.

  9. ryan Says:

    no matter gay or lesbian ur all goin to HELL and i though it was funny